Best of the Weekly One-Liners

These quotes came from my patients over the past few years and have been featured on my Facebook page as “Best of the Weekly One-Liners.” Thought we might take a break from all this heavy, dark soul-excavation and take a look at life through the eyes of what I like to call The Spirit-Travelers…
“If I could switch lives with anyone, it’d be with Winnie-the-Pooh.”
“Most wouldn’t know this, but waiting to die is exhausting.”
“I’ll tell you when this county went bad…when the Beatles came over in the sixties with their long hair and their wanting to hold your hand and their all-you-need-is-love propaganda bullshit.”
“Who’s the president? Lyndon B. Johnson!”
“You wouldn’t believe what they feed us here. Today for lunch we had claws.”
“There is an entire Mexican family living inside my couch.”
“My son is a nice boy…but he’s also the devil and is trying to have me killed.”
“You wouldn’t think it to look at me, but I’m quite the Ninja.”
“My goal is to bask in the everlasting light and love of Jesus Christ…and to seek revenge on everyone who’s fucked with me.”
“I’ll tell ya what Zyprexa is! It’s petrified poison double dipped in dog shit!”
“I have no control over what happens in the world–war, hunger, poverty–but it still depresses me. If you tied me to the railroad tracks I’d have no control over that either. It doesn’t mean I could ignore the train.”
“Michael Jackson fucker! Pole licker! Murderers of alien wives!”
“Sometimes I get lost in familiar places.”
“I do my best thinking on the back roads.”
“I don’t know who the president is because I haven’t been to Washington.”
“I didn’t ‘break into’ the staff meeting. I took the wheelchair like this and just rammed that son-of-a-bitch right through the door!”
“Could you please get me out of here and take me to Montana?”
“It usually just takes one alcoholic in the family to get the whole gene pool drunk.”
“My entire focus today is just to eat cake.”
“She’s my daughter-in-law and I love her, but make no mistake, she is a whore.”
“What year is it? Don’t you know?”
“Next week is gonna be busy. Tuesday I have pre-op for eye surgery, Wednesday I have a doctor’s appointment and Friday I’m going with my neighbor to her Peeping Tom hearing.”
“Why are you asking him what day it is? He doesn’t even know what country he’s in.”
“I’m not sure what he said, really. He was mumbling. It was either ‘I love her and I want to marry her’ or ‘I hate her guts and I hope she dies.'”
“Look, it’s Tracy the Psycho Nurse, bearing glad tidings and buckets of Haldol!”
“I’m a little worried about the weather, and about my sister. She’s not out in it or anything…she’s just kinda dumb.”
“We’ve not been speaking since the weekend…I find we get along so much better this way.”
“This place is full of borderlines, bowlers, and necrophiliacs.”
“I’m gonna rest my eyes a little bit over here, but if I start to die, will you please wake me up?”
“He’s a big liar. He tried to tell me it’s ‘Check-a-Friend’s-Prostate-Week.'”
“If industry was really smart, the tobacco and pharmaceutical giants would team up and make medicated cigarettes like Zoloft 100’s, Abilify Lights or Thorazine Menthols.”
“I think I lost my sense of smell about seven years ago. I can’t even smell myself. If I roll into the dining room and people start falling out of their wheelchairs, then I know I’ve shit myself.”
“My grandmother used to put her handkerchief down the front of her bra. She called that space a ‘suka.’ That’s Dutch for pothead…or maybe it was Dutch for ‘pocket.'”
“F. Scott Fitzgerald said ‘The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.’ What they should probably do in Baltimore is bring in a really assertive Japanese woman with a good handle on crowd control.”
“I am suffering a psychiatric disembowelment.”
“I started going to God’s Bible School in my twenties and they taught me how to pray. I’ve been unhappy ever since.”
“I heard today on the news that someone paid a million dollars for two seats at the prize fight in Vegas. What an idiot! You can go to Baltimore and see violent street fighting all over the place for free!”
“So I fell asleep sitting in my wheelchair in the middle of the parking lot! Everyone got so upset! Have you ever sat in the middle of a parking lot? It can get really boring.”
“That dog is so cute bringing you his toys when you come over…oh, wait, Cody! CODY! Sorry, those are my underwear.”
“Yeah, I’m crazy! Yeah, I’m free! You can’t just slap a bandaid on this and call it cured! This is schiz-o-phren-ia! You’ve got to stitch up that bitch where it bleeds!”
“Lots of people think the devil is a scaly, red creature with horns and a pitchfork, but that’s not true. The devil is a med tech.”
“I used to have really straight fingers. It was the one thing I had going for me.”
“My daughter’s boyfriend is such a loser. He was thrown out of the mafia.”
“Yesterday I drank a six-pack, a fifth of whiskey, and half a quart of brake fluid.”
“Yeah, you look pretty keyless.”
“He is foreign! He’s from Texas.”
“My mother never had any children.”
“I’m not gonna make friends with these people. They haven’t been tested.”
“You can’t have sex with your kin ’cause your kids’ll come out all crooked.”
“I can’t take Miralax. Last time I took it, I had a baby.”
“I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I’m in my shoes.”
(Said during a hearty two-handed handshake): “My name’s William, or Willie, or Wills, or Billy or Bill, but you can call me The Masturbator.”
“He’s my husband and I guess at one time I did love him. Now I just wish he’d wander off and die like an old elephant.”
“The preacher said God could cure me of my impatience. I’d like it if He could just cure me of my schizophrenia.”
“I see people all over this land that no one else can see. Doctors say I got hal-lu-ci-nations. What I can’t figure is, am I wrong because I can see them, or are you wrong because you can’t?”




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